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Flibbertygibbets...
7 August 2001 05:07It's late. Or early. Whichever way you look at it, I'm awake at this strange hour of day that is 5 o'clock AM, EDT. I sit, at my computer, getting fatigue and eyestrain from the myriad billions of pixels being blasted to its 17 inch surface faster than my eyes can keep up with. I'm thinking. Yes, yes, I know that thinking is hazardous to your health, just wave the smoke away from yourself and don't breathe. We'll all be safer that way. What am I thinking about? I'm thinking about just where the hell this life of mine is going. What direction is it supposed to be taking? I suppose, to explain where all of this is coming from, I would have to explain the last two years of my life. That's a long post, best reserved for another night.
Nevertheless, here I am, thinking about this very thing. I have decided, definitely, to not return to classes in the fall. I wasn't doing it for the right reasons, really. I've spent a lifetime being concerned with where everyone but myself said I should be going. Worried from moment to moment if I was on the right path that others had set me on. I think I first started to break from that when I turned my life onto the pagan path. It has been a good choice, thus far. I have found more happiness since making that decision than in the years between high school and that day. I have found more love and respect from those closest to me.
Still...I dread my decision to not go back to classes. I don't dread it in terms of it being the best choice for me...that is not the problem. I need the time to get settled in a new place and new frame of mind, and do it because the work will truly bring me to a point I wish my life to be at. The hardest part...telling FAMILY. Yes. I am absolutely terrified of telling my family, most importantly my grandmother. She has funded my classes thus far as a gift. I don't know if I've thanked her enough, and I know that on some level I really owe her a great deal for the chance. It hurts, thinking of what to say...I wonder how I'll figure out how to do it......
*sigh*
Nevertheless, here I am, thinking about this very thing. I have decided, definitely, to not return to classes in the fall. I wasn't doing it for the right reasons, really. I've spent a lifetime being concerned with where everyone but myself said I should be going. Worried from moment to moment if I was on the right path that others had set me on. I think I first started to break from that when I turned my life onto the pagan path. It has been a good choice, thus far. I have found more happiness since making that decision than in the years between high school and that day. I have found more love and respect from those closest to me.
Still...I dread my decision to not go back to classes. I don't dread it in terms of it being the best choice for me...that is not the problem. I need the time to get settled in a new place and new frame of mind, and do it because the work will truly bring me to a point I wish my life to be at. The hardest part...telling FAMILY. Yes. I am absolutely terrified of telling my family, most importantly my grandmother. She has funded my classes thus far as a gift. I don't know if I've thanked her enough, and I know that on some level I really owe her a great deal for the chance. It hurts, thinking of what to say...I wonder how I'll figure out how to do it......
*sigh*
