Delusions of Mediocrity

 Is this thing on? Oh, it is? I'm live? All righty then...

Hello, fruitbats of the internet. I know it's been a dreadfully long time since I've journaled in any form. I admit that posting tiny of-the-moment thoughts to my Facebook page takes less time and effort. Also, I don't store things up to spew them in my good old critical-mass moments. But I also know that some folks choose not to use Facebook and thus haven't heard from me in a while. 

I'm alive. Let's start there. Alive, getting healthier, working through stuff. I was diagnosed as diabetic last September. Since then, I've cut my numbers in half, dropped over 40lbs, and quit the job I'd been working for four years. The stress was literally going to kill me if I kept going. My blood pressure alone dropped like a stone in the month after I quit. I was borderline hypertensive and at a stroke risk before, now I'm not. In fact, last week I got okayed to cut my meds in half. 

A month or two after I quit, I started a different job doing inventory counting for a national company. It's... not all it's cracked up to be, but I know I can't afford to not be working. Nothing has materialized on the front of getting a job as a pharmacy technician. Even with my schooling, most hospitals or care centers won't hire without prior experience... and the schooling meant I was apparently overqualified to work at CVS or such (they want you to go through -their- training, first). Due to monetary concerns, I had to let my certifications lapse, but I'm working at getting them back. I spend a lot of time after shifts at work in relative discomfort due to sciatica, but I try not to let it get me down too much. There are always good days and bad days. 

I'm still chainmailling. Even though my sales seem to only happen at the couple of conventions I'm doing a year. I've got one of those coming up next weekend (Otakon) and have been prepping for that. So much to do and so little time! I had a lot of help in coming up with the funds for my own hotel room this year, but I made it. Now I just have to get through that weekend! I hope sales are good. If you want something pretty, check out irodama.net (main site) or irodama.etsy.com for stuff I have available. I'm taking time out of making things today to post this. :)

I'm slowly getting back into drawing, too. It's a nice offset to the other creativity. Beyond that, I play a lot of Minecraft along with occasional stints in World of Warcraft, Star Wars: The Old Republic, and a few others. 

All in all, I'm mostly the most positive I've been in years. As I said, there are good days and bad days, but things could be much worse. 

So. I know it's been a long, long time since I wrote anything on any of my journals. I got sucked into the morass of Facebook along with so many other things. School is going well and I'm in my final term. Hopefully that means thst the hell of a job I've been stuck in will only be a factor fir anither month or two.

That's not the thing that's been on my mind the most of late, though. No... that personal emotional trial has been saved for what I feel is the death of what was a thirteen-year friendship.

It started last summer when two people I cared for very much split up very suddenly. There were bad reactions, bad feelings, and a close friend of mine (a sister nearly) stopped taling to anyone. She hurt her partner, she hurt me (if purely by not talking to me, and wasn't going to be sorry for any of it.

Fast forward to now. Things are still strained. Said friend has not said more than a line or two to me since then. I reached out a time or two but never got answers or much concrete acknowledgement of the growing rift. At one point I was convinced she wasn't even aware of it.

The last message she sent to me wasn't even to me alone. It was a FB post to my mother and I letting us know she was pregnant and due in January. Before that she'd only written us when her cat was shot. I gave politely appropriate responses each time...

She knows how to contact me. I was invited to her baby shower but declined due to work. I didn't feel right going, I couldn't find it in me to make fake smiles. The pictures later hurt enough.

I'm not a part of that world anymore.

So. It looks more and more like I won't be able to file my taxes in time to get my refund by Katsucon. This means at least half of my next two paychecks, once they clear, go right into my savings spot. This puts me in more of a crunch than I really wanted to be. This was supposed to be what I jokingly refer to as 'TaxesCon' but I won't be getting my W2 until the first week of February.

I have had very little success in drumming up commissions. Between work and school I have gotten very little made. I can see where all of my free time from now until Katsu is going. I still have the pipe dream of someone choosing to buy a bracelet from me in sterling silver (given that the price of sterling right now makes my head hur)... but it's a pipe dream nonetheless.

I have a feeling this is going to be RamenCon at the very least. *sigh*

I get paid -after- the weekend of the convention so hopefully I won't end the month broke.

Car: Fuel filter replaced, that was the cheap part. Not-so-cheap part: Throttle position sensor. $217 or so that I don't have, plus labor. Car is staying at the garage until I call them and tell them that I have money so they can order the part. This will be next week at least.

Job: No clue. Have not gotten any word from Rosetta Stone since their last email telling me that I was well-received in round one of the hiring process. Am waiting for the next step going on roughly a week and a half into the two to three weeks I was quoted.

Money: I'm broke. Can't afford going to Marcon under my own power. Would very much like for fate to drop a lottery winning in my lap right now but that's not happening. More going on there than I feel like talking about right now.

Mental state: Conflicted, depressed, generally a bundle of random weepies. Open at your own risk.

Today is officially fired.

My car is in Culpeper. I'm at home in Waynesboro. I'm mad, feeling stupid, and generally not in a good place.

Got pulled over on the way home. My inspection had expired. How often do I look at the sticker? Not as often as I should. It expired in August. Did my usual garage see this when I asked them to check my roadworthiness before going to Ohio in September? No. Did they see it afterwards at any point? No. That's a mild annoyance that has lead to the real kicker.

My license is suspended. I'm not sure when it became such (as it was all well and find at the end of May after MarCon) but it is now. Apparently a bit I thought had been handled back in May regarding my old car being off the road was not handled.

The state trooper took my license.

It's going to take an SR-22 and $585 for me to get legal again. That's $585 I really don't have. Really. Not even on my credit card right now. My dearest Megan picked up the car for me from where I was forced to pull over and wait. She's going to take her to get inspected for me with funds from Dad. Dad picked me up to come home. I have to call Progressive in a bit to set in motion getting an SR-22 filed. And figure out where the money is going to come from.

When it rains, it pours.

Today is fired.

Joss Whedon is my hero.

And I now have 'Bad Horse' stuck on repeat in my head.

I'm sitting here with a resignation/quitting email in my drafts (I can't help but be overly polite in my wording) and am having problems hitting send. I'm trying to bring myself to do it. I don't -like- having to quit a job even if I know I'll do better without it.

So much of me wants to end the negativity around this job: The waiting to see if I'm going to get work, how much of it, what stores, what hours, if there's going to be anything at all! The gripes of co-workers which is hard to ignore (I have a co-worker who is going to lose her place of residence) and the obvious catering to the fast folks and the new people (who thusly burn out faster).

On the other hand, a smaller part of me rails and says 'You have a job! Don't lose it just because of something like this! FIND SOMETHING ELSE FIRST!' I've only quit one job before this: working at Martin's (the grocery store deli job I had). It goes against the work ethic I had pounded into me working for two years to support four-five people including myself. It's like stepping off of a cliff and not knowing if there's a net or a cushion or something to keep me from falling.

I'm scared shitless.

Debating backing up my characters on GarouMUSH and wandering off. I haven't been there consistently for months due to work sapping all of my creative juices for roleplay. I sorta ended up dropped from some story stuff (fairly, i wasn't around) and feel way too lost to catch up.

I'll give it the weekend, at least. I'd need to figure out things with certain linked characters before I'd up and leave.